I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
