he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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