i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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