I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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