Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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