I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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