I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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