I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need to sanitize my soul.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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