you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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