I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
