Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
