hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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