i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
