There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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