found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
