I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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