You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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