I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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