my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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