oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
