Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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