Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
