i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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