my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
