Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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