I just threw up on my dentist
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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