foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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