Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
