I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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