One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
