I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
