I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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