the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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