my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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