Swine flu. Run for my life!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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