no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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