You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
