You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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