I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
