you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
