i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
