You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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