He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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