It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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