why im i the only drunk person in the library?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
