woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Is it penis luge time yet?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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