Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
