It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
