College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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