is your mom at the bar?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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