so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
