Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
