just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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