just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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