my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip