i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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